I actually loled at this video!

Love me some SNL.

stalking-- a woman's 6th sense!

So if you haven't read my post about the top 5 guys I'd boink click here and do that before reading this.

I've come to realize I am excellent at stalking. I think its something that all women have. A new mother has maternal instincts, the single girl has super stalking powers. This is the age of facebook. Stalking is available at the click of a button for people we know. Celebrities on the other hand... that is a whole new level on the stalking game.

We will take this story back to last July when a group of girlfriend's and I went to a summer house in Seaside Park, NJ. I had fully intended on going and stalking snooki writing Chapter 1 in my book. Clearly that is not what happened. We ended up taking frequent trips to the Shore Store in hopes of getting a glimpse of the cast but no such luck. We even joined quite a few stalkers in sitting outside of their house just so we could get pictures of them.

I'm not really sure why we went stalking. This show is such a train wreck I don't even watch it.


Now we can fast forward to my trip in August to visit my Mom. She lives in Minneapolis, MN. I knew if I was going to travel to such a useless city I better do it when my New York Yankees were in town! So here I am sitting in the car with my Aunt, Uncle, Mother and her Husband when we pass by a hotel with a small crowd of Yankee fans outside of it. At a red light I hopped out of the car and decided to join the crowd. A true stalker needs to be able to adapt to the environment around him/her. This was my moment to meet as many players as possible! Well I did get pictures of a few but they were all in a rush to get to Target Field so most of them didn't stop.

So yesterday when I got to work I found that there was a movie being filmed in my parking lot. I've been passed many movie sets (and even on a few) before so I took a quick picture to post to facebook and decided to go on with my day.

"They are filming a movie at work today. I hope it's starring Justin Timberlake's abs!"

So as you know, I bought a new car at the beginning of the Summer. As a result of the new car I park it in a very specific spot. I like to park somewhere between China and Siberia. It is always on the end of the aisle so that other cars can't surround it and it is so far away from the door that if Walt Disney owned the parking lot there would be a monorail taking me to the front door. It just so happened that yesterday there was a movie in my parking spot. So when I arrived back from my coffee break I went to the next available spot that was similar to mine. It was almost 3 sips into my pumpkin spice latte when a security guard knocked on my window.

Rule #1 in stalking:
 Make friends with security guards.

By the end of my latte I had found out that ALEXANDER SCARSGARD AKA HOT VIKING VAMPIRE ERIC NORTHMAN AKA NUMBER 3 ON THE LIST OF MY TOP 5 DUDES I'D BOINK was starring in the movie. I had also found out that my new best friend, Franklin the Security Guard was going to help me meet him.

Rule # 2 in stalking:
Don't give up.

On my lunch break I decided to go see if Franklin needed me to grab him something while I was out getting lunch. This resulted in chatting with Franklin right outside of my precious Viking's trailer.

Rule #3 in stalking:
Don't be afraid to make bold moves.

At the end of my day I was walking to my car when I saw my sexy man walking around set. This was my moment to meet him and get a picture that would have fellow fang bangers jealous forever! I walked right on set like I was Franklin's long lost daughter and approached Askars. He was SUPER NICE! With a body like his he could totally be a douche and I'd still want to have his vampire babies but he was actually really pleasant. I am totally awkward and had to step on my tippy toes to even be remotely tall enough to take a picture with him but whatever I GOT A PICTURE WITH HIM!

Now, if you read the same rolling stone issue I did you would know that my viking runs around the set naked. So while I was hoping I would see this...

I'll take what I can get ;-)

Why I collect gay men like baseball cards...

Women of the world listen up! I'm about to let you in on a secret women like Liza Minelli have been hiding for years. A girl's best accessory is a gay man! Yeah, I said it. Gay men are awesome. There is so much to learn from them. First of all, they can dress better than you can. I kinda wish there was a little gay midget in my closet dressing me everyday (Why a midget? Because he won't take up too much space in my walk-in closet duh!) My gay friends have always successfully helped me with shopping and dressing. Some of my best outfits come from men who wish they could wear what I can wear. You homos all know you wish you could prance around town in 5 inch loubs... 

Gay men will teach you more about sex than you will ever learn from anyone else? Why?? Because gay men are this strange hybrid. They express emotion like women do but at the same time they are still men and hump everything in a 50 mile radius on grindr. This makes for the perfect combination to get advice from. 

Gay men can dance better than anyone on this planet. I know people are going to argue with me and say things like "Beyonce is one of the greatest dancers of all time!" Well I'mma let you finish on that argument in a second but gay men are the greatest dancers of all time!! Not one of the greatest dancers, they are the greatest dancers. Bitch, where do you think Beyonce gets her dance moves from? Her queer choreographer. Case closed.

For those of you who need a little dance lesson from a man with far more rhythm than you will ever have...

Top 5 things you should not text when you're drunk

I swear my phone should have a built in Breathalyzer. I turn into a Gremlin after 2am and no one needs to hear from Gremlin Sarah. I am the queen of drunk dials and texts. Sober Sarah actually had a brilliant idea one night to take the battery out of her phone and give it to her friend so she wouldn't text her ex boyfriend... only one problem with that. Gremlin Sarah gets paranoid without her cell phone. It's kinda like Linus without his dirty blanket. The second my phone dies all sorts of thoughts flood my head like "What if a fire starts and I get trapped in the bar without a cell phone battery?" or "What if I lose my friends in this crowded place?" Let's be honest here... If I lost my friends at our local watering hole in White Plains I could easily walk around and find them. And if the Brazen Fox caught on fire there are at least 3 exits that I know of to escape (although if it ever DOES catch on fire we are all fucked. With all of the fake Pauly D's walking around there is enough hair spray to blow that place up faster than I can text my ex "I miss you.")

Me dressed as a Gremlin being a Gremlin after 2am on Halloween. Fact: I texted my ex to come pick me up that night. Fact: He slept through all 15 of my texts. 

So what are the top 5 things not to text when you're drunk??

5. I miss you

If you have to be drunk to say something like this to someone you shouldn't be saying it. This is totally the pot calling the kettle a Gremlin texter. I have totally done this. What's even worse is that I've phrased it like "I don't miss you when (insert stupid song here) comes on." As if Gremlin Sarah was setting it up for Sober Sarah so in the morning she could just say "I was just telling you the truth. I really didn't miss you." Note to self: drunken Jedi mind tricks don't work... ever.

4. Wghayts Uop?

In case you were wondering, that is Gremlin for "Whats Up?" Most Gremlins send this without being sent a text first. This is an awful opening line for any conversation. No one ever cares as to what is up.  This text is loaded with subtext which people can not accurately read via text. Plus, men don't care about subtext with our texts. It is very black and white for them. 

3. A picture of yourself with a guy.

Once upon a time in a foreign land called Westchester there was a little girl named Sarah. Sarah was at the ripe age of 18 and was one of the lucky few to have a fake I.D. that made it passed the bouncers at Pure (OMG remember that club??) She like all of the other girls she was with drank Malibu Baybreezes until she turned into an evil Gremlin. Once she turned there was no turning back. She found the first hot guy she could and took picture after picture with him. The Gremlin was out for revenge that night. She texted her ex a picture of herself with another (much hotter) guy. This is a sad story for the Gremlin because not only did she look uber pathetic saying she sent it "by accident" but she looked desperate. Don't send drunken pictures to your ex. Do the smart thing and post them on facebook for the world to see ;)

2. Awakeeeeeee??????

The 500 e's are crucial to this text. With every e there is subtext. This isn't even a question. He isn't awake it's 5am... on a tuesday. Lush. Decoded this means "Wake up I want attention from you!" Problem is when you get a response the next day, there is nothing to say. How do you justify that? You don't... 

1. OMFG I arm do drubnjk rifght now!

I think with this one it was more of the response that was a trainwreck.

Gremlin Sarah: OMFG I arm do drubnjk rifght now!

8 hours later

Grandma: I think you sent this to me by mistake.

FAIL.

Top 5 dudes I'd boink

So I've been slacking on this blogging thing. I decided enjoying my last two weeks of summer was more important than updating my blog. What have I been so busy doing? Creating a top 5 list of dudes I'd bang. Duh. I skipped town for 48 hours to go to my family's country house in The Berkshires with two of my girlfriends and while driving home us 3 dirty broads started talking about the guys we would smush smush given the chance.

                     1. Justin Timberlake

     Totally my favorite flavor of Justin. He is like a Louis Vuitton bag, he will never go out of style.

                  2. David Beckham

     I'd let him slide from 3rd to home any day. Wait! He doesn't play baseball? Well it sounds better than letting him kick it in my goal. Ouch.

                  3. Eric Northman

    I mean Eric Northman and not Alexander Skarsgard. I want him fangs and all.

                 4. Johnny Depp

   I'd take him (and all 500 personalities he has) on any day! Plus rumor has it he tastes like rum. Just what I love! Men and alcohol!

                5. Chris Brown.

    What? I know he likes it rough and I've already seen him naked thanks to the Internet. PS homeboy is packing. Seriously. Google it.

Sarah Brianna Smith and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

I should have known today was going to utterly suck. First indication should have been when I slid face first into the glass door at Starbucks. It's not my fault I was distracted by the incredibly gorgeous suit that walked by...It is my (and my flip flop's) fault that I looked like a fool in front of him.  So I leave Starbucks with my venti soy tea latte in hand and head for the doctor. The doc was running late and took her sweet ass time getting to my appointment. Which was totally fine until I got back to my beautiful car and found a not so beautiful love note on her windshield. I've had many arguments with my Father over the years. One epic ongoing one was about being responsible with parking tickets. I think he's being a d bag and he thinks I'm irresponsible. That is why to prove him wrong (and not have to pay racks on racks on racks to the Scarsdale Police Dept.) I decided to be big girl and go straight to the court and pay for my love note.

When I got to the court the lovely lady behind the counter informed me that it was cash or check only. Uhhh I had my debt card (Yes, I intentionally left the i out of that word) which is totes like cash. This is apparently not Scarsdale Court but I time traveled in my beautiful mayonnaise colored vw to prehistoric times when people just took cash. So while huffing and puffing and cursing out Scarsdale I headed back to my time machine to go to the ATM.

I came to a complete stop for quite a few minutes while getting ready to make a left turn into the bank. I was even mad at all of the cars passing and had enough time to get several choice words out before BANG! SMACK! CRASH! My beautiful car, Heidi Farfenschnoogle Bieber, took it up the ass from some big giant German Audi thing who then took it up the ass from some hoopdie that was 3 different shades of rust.

 1) Gang bang before noon? Ugh, that's what I call morning do.

2) Isn't it illegal to have hoopdies in Scarsdale? Clearly this guy got lost on his way to Mt. Vernon.

3) This fucking sucks.

So I get out of my car cursing and huffing and puffing some more about everyone when I see a little girl crying. The soccer mom in the Audi behind me had her kids with her. I think my maternal instincts kicked in sometime between bang and smack (Who knew I had those?!) Before long I was chatting about how my car got the last name Bieber with this little girl while the jaws of life were removing the other cars from each other. Everyone seemed to be fine just a little shaken up except for the hood rat who rear ended us all who was limping all over the place looking for our sympathy. I have very little for that mother fucker. Oh, did I mention it started to pour while all of this was happening? Yep,
Hurricane Irene to rain on my day and make things peachy! Only thing that could have been worse is if we had some more devastating aftershocks from earthquake 2011...

I can't promise tomorrow, but I promise tonight!

I've been watching this porn reality TV show on showtime called "Gigolos" about male escorts. Someone suggested it would make for a great blog post since I have a personal vendetta against hookers (Flashback to 2009 when a guy I was talking to slept with hookers. Yes, hookers plural,) So here is the thing with hookers... I didn't understand why women needed them until now. This show has brought about a whole new perspective on the concept of paying for sex. The idea of women having to pay for sex is so foreign to a pretty 24 year old girl. I get offered it daily. Just walking to my car and hearing a smooch or whistle from the guys mowing my lawn counts to me as an offer. I'm sure if I was willing the guy or guys making cat calls wouldn't even think twice about a gang bang. So why do male hookers exist? Think about all of the women out there. Are all of them attractive? Nope. Do all of them dream about Prince Charming? Yep. So how does the Ugly Step Sister get the chance to steal Prince Charming from Cinderella? Money. These men are getting paid to not only satisfy these women sexually but mentally and emotionally as well. Part of their deal is to do what the women want which includes the "boyfriend" experience. I've watched these men tell women who look like the real life version of Miss Piggy how beautiful they are. I'm sure if it wasn't for a monetary transaction these men wouldn't waste their time lying to Miss Piggy. It's actually pretty sad watching these women on this show. We have all sorts of desperation to watch from the 23 year old student who wants to role play and pretend she is sleeping beauty (lets blame Walt Disney for that one) to the 60 something who wants someone to pretend they love her. To be fair, I'd want to spend an evening with this guy too... 
...I just wouldn't want to spend a lifetime with his diseases. Yes, that is an actual guy from the show and for $300 you can spend an hour with him!

So lesson learned... My generation is filled with a bunch of fucktards who pay for sex... and I hate hookers :)

Friends with Benefits part 2... the man's perspective.

I've always found the term 'friends with benefits' to be a bit odd. To say this is to imply that other types of friendships aren't beneficial.  In fact, sometimes it's these friends with 'benefits' arrangements that are least fulfilling and most draining, frustrating and downright ugly. They can be either a drama-free Big-‘O-filled blessing, or a clingy, not-at-all worth-it curse. All end up being the latter; it’s just a matter of time. The chemistry of the female species ensures this. They’re like the accident that you can’t look away from, or the couple fighting that you can’t help but listen to. Throw in a few sleepless nights, some back-seat fun, and that’s what keeps us going having these FWBs at risk of the inevitable blow-up.

 That being said, as a guy, I categorize relationships into two categories: ‘exclusive dating’, and ‘getting it in’- even if it’s just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels. Friends with benefits, fuck buddies, they’re all the same to us. To make your FWB arrangement last as long as possible (for the exclusive relationships, you’re on your own) and to keep things from getting weird, i.e. cutting down on the drama that you’re subjected to, lay out some ground rules. True, she will break them eventually, but you can’t say you didn’t try. 

1)     Lay out your rules up front-Set expectations.  I’d like to think that most guys, like myself, can adapt to the situation. If it’s hot, steamy late night sex that she wants, I’m happy to oblige. All I have to hear (or say) is that nothing more will come out of this arrangement, and that’s good enough for me. One-on-one hanging out is fine because I know where I’m going to wind up later and for what purpose.

2)     Don’t talk about your past relationships- I don’t want to hear it. If I wanted to hear you complain about how bad he treated you, or that you don’t know why you put up with him for so long, I’d marry you. Then we’d have the rest of our lives together so you could talk my ear off. With this, also goes- keep the insecure comments to a minimum. I mean yes, we’re friends, but I’m not listening to anything you’re saying  (‘What? I cunt hear you! I must have an ear infucktion’!). I’m  just thinking about what I’m going to do to you later and how I can segue into smoothly pulling out the handcuffs later. (Since my grandma refuses to use computers, I guess I’ll apologize to Sarah’s)

3)     Family is out- I don’t want to meet your mom. At the risk of agreeing with a woman, I do in this case agree with the beautiful blogger below. If I meet your mom and reluctantly accept her fresh lemonade to drink, I’ll feel bad next time I’m hitting ‘that’ spot knowing that she thinks we’re just friends. Or worse- I’ll replay in my mind the scene where she thinks we’re dating.

4)     Jealousy, No one likes it- I won’t hook up with other people (okay, okay, I’ll try not to let you find out that I am), so don’t drop those comments and questions that you women are so good at hoping to get a reaction out of. We both know whatever the reaction is, you’re still going to pick a fight. Like this, you twat:

5)     I’m a FWB, not a pet sitter- Remember: we’re NOT DATING. I like your pussy(cat), but I’m not going to go and feed it while you’re away. And I certainly don’t want your pet at my house. When I’m at your place, I’ll put up with your pussy for pussy’s sake. That’s it.

6)     The final and most important rule- Know when enough is enough! You’ve been hitting it. Now quit it. Save the drama for relationships, not FWB.  

If you (and more importantly she) can follow these simple rules and keep things casual without strings, you’ve got something good going.  Just remember though; the blow-up is inevitable, life is short, women are crazy, and some things never change.

If I were a boy... friends with benefits part 1.

Recently a friend of mine raised the question of the two of us becoming more than just friends. Don't get excited Grandma... he is not a Jewish boy and he just wanted to be "friends with benefits." So he said as part of this concept if I accepted his offer I should come up with some "ground rules" for this type of a relationship. So I've decided not only to put the rules down in this blog but I'm collaborating with a guest blogger for part 2 to share with you a Male's perspective on the topic.

So I've come to the conclusion a woman can not be friends with benefits easily. It takes a lot of hard work to separate sex from emotions (unless you make a living out of it...) First I want to define FWB. I feel that FWB is totally different than a fuck buddy. A fuck buddy is just someone you have casual sex with. There doesn't need to be much conversation with this person other than "I'm going to come." and "I have work early so you can't sleep over." A FWB on the other hand is an actual friend who you have casual sex with. There could be conversation like "How 'bout them Yankees?" and "I like my eggs scrambled with a little cheese." With a Fuck Buddy you will probably go out with your friends and let him go out with his friends and meet around 4am when you're tipsy enough to make some fun mistakes. With a FWB you could hang out together in a group situation and just end up going home together. So keeping the FWB definition that I have made up in mind lets get to these ground rules.

1) Don't fall in love. This is the rule that trumps all other rules. He is not Justin Timberlake and this is not a movie. Don't kid yourself. You might be thinking all of these gushy things but he is not thinking them as well. To your FWB, this is just about sex. If you start to have feelings end things immediately. You're only going to hurt yourself by staying in this kind of a relationship.

2) No hooking up with anyone else in each other's presence. If we are out at a bar I do not want to see you talking to the Blonde (of course she is blonde, they are all easy!) in the corner all night. If you do that when I am not around that is cool but have some respect for me. Also tied into this rule... I know my friends are hot but they aren't going to sleep with you out of respect for me so don't hit on them.

3) No talk about our future. The future is now and so help me if I hear you say something about a white picket fence and a dog I'm gonna crack you in the jaw. Pronouns like us and we are strictly prohibited. Acceptable future talk can come in the form of sext and must include what you want to do with me later tonight.

4) No one on one dates. I know we might both want to see the same movie but we can not go together.
That would constitute as a date and we are not dating.

5) You are not meeting my family and I don't want to meet yours. We are friends who get it on and that is the extent of it. You are not going to be my date to my cousin's Bat Mitzvah and I don't want to be your date to your family reunion.

6) Be fair to your FWB. If you meet someone end things nicely and you can continue to have a friendship after. Don't get mad if your FWB meets someone first and ends things with you. All good things must come to an end eventually. Just think back fondly on those fun nights you spent with your FWB.

Ladies if you think you can comply with these rules feel free to bone away! If you can't don't feel bad (most women can't do it!) just be happy with what you have. Don't try to force something that isn't there. Happiness isn't about getting what you want it's about loving what you have.

Won't you take me to Cougartown?

If you're in the Westchester, NY area it can be hard to find a good venue for Saturday nights. Who wants to spend every Saturday night at The Brazen Fox watching Snooki try to smush smush every dude in town. I'd rather go to a more upscale spot and watch Demi Moore try to find her next Ashton Kutcher. Barcelona in Greenwich, CT is the perfect spot for that. You can start by having a delicious meal served up by Executive Chef Michael Blydenstein and dance the night away to the sounds of DJ A-Game. You know how in the movie Gremlins they change after midnight... this tapas restaurant nestled in the heart of Greenwich, CT is exactly the same. At about 11pm Jesus behind the bar serves up some sort of concoction that turns the classy women of Greenwich into straight up Cougars. They get up and dance on the bar, on tables and chairs and on the waiters. For someone like me, it is far more entertaining than watching Snooki run around (unless we are talking about that south park episode. I die laughing every time!)


For more information on Barcelona Greenwich: http://www.barcelonawinebar.com/index.htm


For a free download of an opening set DJ AGame did at Barcelona: http://soundcloud.com/djagame/barcelona-opening-set-live

For a good laugh:

I don't even see how you can hate from outside of this video... you can't even get innnnnnn

I've been running around like a looney tune all day making everyone watch this video. What's even worse is I keep harassing the people that I make watch it by attempting to sing just like her. So Ladies and Gents I present to you Ronald McDonald's version of "Look at me now".  PS she misspelled Massachusetts and it is driving me crazy!

I'm like baby baby baby ohhhhh

So, I'm going to admit something for all of you to read... I, Sarah Smith, was dumped via text earlier this summer. I know it might be hard to believe. I can't imagine how anyone would want to break up with a girl who is so loving that she serenades her two cats with Nsync and Justin Bieber hits. Totally wifey material...   Really though, I had emotionally checked out weeks before I received the text so there was no real surprise when I got the message. The only surprise was that people do that in the first place. I think we should play a little game called lets decode the coward's (misspelled) text!

What the text said: "No go for this weekend I want to give our friends their alone time...Think we should just be friends, been thinkin alot about it lately and dont see us as more than that. Sorry I didnt talk about this sooner just wasnt sure until I thought about it intensly."

What the text really means: We aren't going away with our friends this weekend. I'm a pussy so I'm going to hide behind a text and I'm going to lie and say our friends need alone time. In reality, I need alone time. I'm just not that into you. I'm going to be nice about it and say we should be "just friends" but really I'm not going to speak to you again until we awkwardly run into each other. (Side note: I am totally making my next encounter with this guy even more awkward by posting this blog. Awesome.)

Now I don't think anyone should be broken up with via text whether you have been together two years or two days it is just as shitty. Everyone should be adult enough to at least pick up the phone and call someone and honesty is always the way to go. Men, I'm going to do you a favor and create a generic text message for you to use because lets face it... you're not going to do the right thing in these situations.

When you are pulling a "Joe Jonas" you should say:
" This isn't working out. I think we should just go our separate ways. I know I am going to regret this years from now because you are amazing. I'm sure that when I do wake up and realize what an idiot I am it will be the day you are marrying Justin (Bieber or Timberlake). I'd just like to remind you I am doing you a favor... 10 years from now I am going to be 30 lbs. heavier and you are going to still be just as hot as ever. Best Wishes."

You should make sure after you send the text to send over a bottle of Jameson. It helps soften the blow of being dumped in douchiest way possible.

Top 5 things you need in your make up bag when you are staying at a guys house

So women want men to think they are always naturally beautiful but lets be honest here... When I wake up in the morning I look like I'm about to audition for the leading role in The Lion King. There are a few things I think every twentysomething needs for when they plan on being a dirty stayout. Before I even get to the list I'm going to start with always straighten your hair. No one wants to wake up next to Mufasa.

1) Mac prolongwear concealer. First of all, it has a 12 hour wear. What that says to me is it will last through the wee hours of the morning when the booze wears off and your man is going to notice those oh so cute purple bags under your eyes. With this water resistant formula you could get a beer dumped over your head and still look fly... Well kinda, you're still the douche who did something that deserved getting a beer dumped on them. There isn't enough concealer in the world to fix you. But on the bright side, you wont look like Rocky Balboa.

2) L'Oreal double extend mascara. It forms tubes on your lashes and doesn't easily come off. So when you wake up the next morning and you are in tears because of who you did last night your mascara won't make you look like Lady Gaga.

3) Benefit waterproof eyeliner. Who wants to look like Rocky Raccoon?? Do yourself a favor and put on some smudge proof liner. You can thank me later.

4) A condom. a) you know he is going to say he "forgot to get some" and your slutty self is going to be okay with that. I don't want to have to look at pictures of your ugly baby on facebook 9 months from now. b) You might not know what type to get or what size. Little fact for you... According to Trojan "Magnum" condoms actually aren't longer than regular condoms just a little bit more spacious if you catch my drift. So for all you idiots out there bragging about your magnum condoms you can shut it. A "normal" dude can fit in those too.

5) A Mirror. Just because I say these things work doesn't mean they do. Always double check everything just in case. No one wants to wake up and instantly regret the night before! At least let the regret and shame sink in slowly...

Things (most) women don't want you to know about...

Ok, enough man hating (Although you're all dumb anyway!) Lets hate on the women for a sec. After careful consideration and a meeting with my version of The Algonquin Round Table, I've decided to commit a sin. I'm going to let you in on our secrets. There are things we would NEVER want you to know about. It's kinda like bro code but it is just this unspoken thing that all women have. Lucky for me, I won't go to hell for this since Jews don't believe in hell :)

Unless you are the girl who is typing this, women don't want you to know how many men they have "been" with (I promise Grandma, I'm totally saving myself for the night of my big Jewish wedding!) Most women I have spoken to have told me they have lied about this with their significant others. Want to know why they lied? Because they don't want their men to know about that time they got fourloked in Miami and woke up next to Pedro. And to be fair, your man doesn't need to know about that.

Can we all take a moment to lol at this poor Jersey Girl (peep that license plate!!)

Most women at any given moment will have a random unwrapped tampon in their purses. Calm down boys! I said unwrapped not used. I'd actually like to start a petition to tampax for them to make their wrappers more durable. It's a tampon wrapper not rocket science I'm sure they can handle it.

How much our shoes cost. I swear to God every time I wear my Louboutins to a family function my Dad always is convinced they are new shoes. He will look at me from head to toe and say "You look pretty. Those shoes look fancy." My response is always the same... "Thanks Dad. They are fancy. I wore these at (insert last family function here). You have seen them before." He then will follow up with "How much did they cost?" I never answer that question. It just means trouble. In preparation for the cutest baby in the world's baptism I had my shoes repaired. After waiting for the cobbler for 25 minutes to pick them up I gave up and went to work. Long story short, I ended up screaming at the man for holding my shoes hostage and being a d bag about it and then doing what I do best... Calling Daddy to fix it for me. "Dadddyyyy" I whined over the phone. "The shoe nazi is holding my shoes hostage and I won't have time to leave work to get them and I need them for tomorrow! Can you go get them?" "Sarah, why don't you wear a different pair of shoes?" He asked. "Because these are the fancy onesssss! I NEED THEM!" "How much did these fancy shoes cost?" UGH. It's not like I bought them yesterday and furthermore it's not like I bought them on his credit card! The only time men need to know how much someone's shoes cost are when they are forking over the amex to buy them.

There is subtext behind every move we make. Whether it is "checking in" to a place on facebook or asking you what you want for dinner it will never end at just that. When it comes to men, women spend all of their time thinking "OMG he just liked something on my wall?? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!" It means he likes whatever it is... not that he wants to put a ring on it. Women on the other hand... We will see you posted something, spend 20 minutes thinking of something witty to say, spend 5 minutes typing it out and erasing it over and over again and finally decide to erase it and just "like" it. There is always subtext with us. When we ask you what you want to eat for dinner it is never just as simple as that. We want to know what you like so we can psycho analyze you. Oh, he wants sushi for dinner?? Do you think that is code for what he wants to do after dinner?

It takes women an ungodly amount of time to get ready... it takes myself and my friends even more than most. Um, we are all in the beauty industry. It takes us a minimum of 2 hours to get ready. You might think I roll out of bed looking this awesome but the truth is that it is hard work getting ready for a date or a night out. I know you men think you have a grasp on what it takes but you have no idea. Half of the girls I know put on their fake hair, fake tan and fake lashes just in order to swing by your favorite bar and "run into" you. By the way... thanks for "checking in" there and confirming where I should go to stalk you.

What we do when you're not around. Well I can't speak for all women on this one but I totally have secret single behavior I indulge in. It usually involves some sort of face mask, talking to my cats about how much I love Justin Bieber, writing hate mail to Selena Gomez (Cunt), dancing around in my grannie panties listening to Taylor Swift, prank calling my best friend Michelle at work pretending to be Justin Bieber (Many thanks to http://www.justinbieberprank.com/), stalking you on facebook and doing yoga.

She totally almost missed out on an epic facetime...

The last thing women don't want you to know about... We are all fucking crazy. Run for the hills!

The 'status' of love in the age of facebook.

Yay for my first topic by request! Many thanks to (the other) Sarah, her sister Heidi and Pina for your input on this topic.

Facebook is a tricky thing. I've found myself "talking" to many guys and there is always the question of do I friend them? Do I wait for them to friend me? Can I like their status updates? Is it too soon to post pictures of the two of us? What does it mean if he 'likes' something I posted?

These are all valid questions and the answer is simple. Until things get serious keep your facebook and your dating life separate. Facebook is a huge part of today's culture. It seems everyone has a facebook these days. Lets face it, my answer is easier said than done. I know I'd want to stalk a potential suitor on the internet to search for possible red flags. It is never a good idea to stalk but isn't that really the point of facebook? I know why I use the thing…To see who has gotten fat since high school, who has the best plastic surgeon and what is going on with the man I'm interested in.

I've come across many types of men on facebook...

There is the guy who posts too often. It's even more frustrating when you text this guy something of mucho importance like "Are we gonna smush tonight?" and you see he "checked in" to his living room from his cell phone. Seriously? I can see that you are doing nothing other than sitting on facebook.  He is the guy who takes the mystery out of everything. I’ll never have to wonder where he is or what he is doing because it is always up on his facebook. If he is scratching his balls I’ll know all about it because his hand will “check in” at his nut sack.

There is the guy who doesn't post at all. When I have encountered these guys I have found that they reference your posts. They usually read facebook updates as much as the rest of us they just don't post things on there. I actually think this is the smart way to go (soooo much easier said than done.) The only problem I've found is that they will mention things I have posted which is so weird. Why not just say that on facebook rather than in person? Great! You liked what I said. You know there is a button you can click on for that?

The womanizer. Cue Britney music. This guy is the one who is usually posting pictures of himself without a shirt on. I have a simple view on that. Don't ever go on a date with this guy. He will spend too much time talking about himself and the gym. His status updates are usually things like "I lift things up and put them downnnn" and he will "check in" at NYSC twice a day. If you're friends with my ex on facebook you will get a good laugh out of that last line. I say give me all or nothing. Either take it all off or take that pic down. You're going to look like a fool either way. PS I have one facebook friend who is the exception to this rule. His shirtless pics aren't mirror shots and they are relevant to his hobbies.

The guy who friends you but won't speak to you in person. We can call this guy the coward. He will friend you and stalk your page. He might even "like" some of your posts but he will never speak to you. Why is that? Because he is a kitty cat! (Yeah, I'm working on keeping this a little clean. I can say smush a dude but if I were to write men were pussies my Grandma might not like that!) So this guy will never have the balls to speak to you... chances are he is a nice guy. Don't overlook these guys. Just because they are into anime and world of warcraft doesn't mean they are total losers (lol I mean, it does to me but that is totally not important to most girls!)

There is the "poking" guy. He will just randomly poke you out of nowhere. It is as if he is your facebook version of a one night stand. If you poke him back you will never hear from him again. Basically this guy doesn't want to talk to you because if he did he would have just said hi in the first place. He just wants to "poke" you and then leave. Typical. I bet the poke was created back when Mark Zuckerberg was still at Harvard and didn't have the balls to speak to his female classmates so he created the poke in order to show his interest in women. If I saw him I'd like to think I'd tell him to grow a set but I'm pretty sure his come back would be something along the lines of being able to buy every set of balls in America therefore not needing his own. Winning.

There is the “straight” guy who is obviously gay. He will post things about Beyonce’s new album and pretend that most straight guys talk about that stuff too. Word of advice to the closeted guy, talk about beer, boobs and sports and take yourself off grindr. You’re not fooling anyone ;-) Oh and we should totally be friends! I collect gays like baseball cards and you want to tell me how much you love my new shoes!

There is the guy who is friends with a kazillion (yeah, thats a number and I'll kick your ass on words with friends with it!) females. He may look like The Womanizer but he is a different breed of dog altogether. He has the lowest of low self-esteem. He needs to boost his confidence by having lots of women post on his wall "Hey Baby!" He will also probably have pictures with as many women as possible at a club. You can't really get mad at this guy its not his fault. You can get mad at the dumb sluts feeding his ego (Sorry Grandma!) 

With that said I guess my next post should be something about the dumb broads on the internet (myself included)...

Feel free to send me suggestions! I love writing about your ideas!!

xoxo,

S

Is there somebody who still believes in love?

I really wonder if this is what men think women want? Let's be honest here, I loved Twilight as much as the next girl and it definitely had something to do with a certain shirtless werewolf but there is a difference between movie stars and real men. This is not the kind of man I'd like to take home to Mom and Dad. So I wonder, do the real men still exist? I'd like to compile the best of the best in this post. The best of the losers. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I created a profile on a free dating website. This is where my research shall begin. I'll even make this more of a "what not to do" and a "top ten list" all at the same time. Many thanks to plentyoffish.com and the losers of Westchester county for the laughs and pictures. If you know one of these guys, woops! Maybe they should be more careful with what they put out on cyberspace.

Top Ten Things That Will Not Attract Any Sane Woman:

1. The Shirtless Cell Phone Picture.

How low are your pants?!?! This is the picture you use to advertise wanting a relationship? Looks to me like you are looking for something but I don't think it's dating.

Nice Backpack?

Ummm... Sorry. I don't think this is going to work out. I only date guys with iphones.

What do you even say to this guy? I think we have the same cup size.

2. Incorrect Spelling and Grammar/Laziness.

"besides work im trying 2 finish school 2 get a software engineering degree love 2 go dancing out 2 eat and most of all the beach die hard football and baseball fan played both in high school if u want 2 know more ask me"

To. Two letters. Not so hard to type. 2 makes you sound lazy. You couldn't at least attempt to make yourself sound smart? At least if you had substituted your 2's with to I might not have noticed your giant run on sentence. Maybe he was hit in the head with a football in high school?

"CHECK THE PROFILE....NORTY,SPORTY....WAVES IN MY HAIR....COME HERE SHORTYLOL......... I PRAY TO GOD B4 I LEAVE THAT MY UNBORN SEED WILL HAVE A MIND NOT TO FOLLOW BUT A HEART TO LEAD......just a hard working dude thats just what u need in your life...females always say they need a good man in they life...well what u waiting for,holla at me"

I don't think I even need to comment on this one. Do us all a favor and keep your unborn seeds to yourself.

3. The "Hey Sexy" Message.

Everyday my inbox gets a message that says "Hey Ma You So Sexi." Uh, thanks but no thanks. I appreciate that you think I'm "sexi" but I'm not anyone's ma and I sure as hell won't be yours. 

4. The "Pretty Boy".

"Ladies its time to put to rest the "duck face" pose! It doesn't work for any girl no matter how pretty you are, it actually makes a pretty girl less attractive...your welcome."

1) You're not an attractive guy but you are a guy who has nicer brows than I do. That's just an issue on it's own. This makes you a "Pretty Boy."

2) I may agree with your duck pose statement but your muscle show off picture is just as bad as the duck pose.

3) Correct Grammar makes an average guy more attractive... YOU'RE Welcome.

5. Drunken Pictures with your "bros".

6.The Shirtless Cell Phone Picture Without Your Face In It.

This proves you have nice nipples? You can't see the abs and you can't see his face. What is this accomplishing other than making me laugh?

"I love to work out but dont necessarily date woman who do. I am funny and enjoy conversatingwith people who have a good sense of humor. Intelligence is very sexy! I like all kinds of music!

***If you are holding a beer bottle/can or a keg cup and holding out a peace sign LMAO You're probably not for me!!!!!! "

No he doesn't need to date women who work out. Just someone who is naturally skinny and can make a great marinara sauce while she does your laundry! All kinds of music huh? You hear the latest Taylor Swift single? How about Bela Fleck and the Flecktones? Didn't think so. Don't advertise something if it's not true.

7. Ignorance.

Oh yeah! This makes me think we can have a cute house with a white picket fence and 2.5 bathrooms. Definitely should be your main picture on your dating profile.

8. Posting Pictures Of Your More Attractive Friends.

Lets guess which guy is on the dating site? To the guy on the left, you should be advertising yourself. I keep looking at your frat boy friend. Sorry.

9. A Stupid Catch Phrase One Liner.

"B*tches Be Crazy"

1) I agree with the above statement.

2) Just because I agree with it doesn't mean it needs to be on anyone's dating profile. I really don't think this is how to attract sane women. Maybe by posting "B*tches be crazy" he was hoping to land a crazy bitch? Again, this is a list on how to attract sane women not crazy b*tches.

10. Vague Profile Content.

"Call me JD... im all about creating the legacy of my name. Very work oriented and dedicated to being as successful as possible while enjoying the s**t outta every day im here. Work hard, play harder is the phiosophy behind my profession, and also my character. I travel alot for work and get to see some of the great places in the world...occasionally with some of my closest people too!"

1) I believe Jack Daniels created the legacy with that name and what makes you so special that you think you can create a legacy?

2) You could spell "philosophy" but couldn't write "out of" outta is just better? It's not even like "out of" is more letters than "outta".

3) All I got from this is that you might be from the Bronx based on your outta, You are creating a "legacy" with the name JD, You have a job and you like to travel sometimes with your "closest people". Could you have been more vague?

So if this is what the dating world holds for me I think I'll continue to hide out in my apartment until the world outside gets a bit better.