Top 5 things you should not text when you're drunk

I swear my phone should have a built in Breathalyzer. I turn into a Gremlin after 2am and no one needs to hear from Gremlin Sarah. I am the queen of drunk dials and texts. Sober Sarah actually had a brilliant idea one night to take the battery out of her phone and give it to her friend so she wouldn't text her ex boyfriend... only one problem with that. Gremlin Sarah gets paranoid without her cell phone. It's kinda like Linus without his dirty blanket. The second my phone dies all sorts of thoughts flood my head like "What if a fire starts and I get trapped in the bar without a cell phone battery?" or "What if I lose my friends in this crowded place?" Let's be honest here... If I lost my friends at our local watering hole in White Plains I could easily walk around and find them. And if the Brazen Fox caught on fire there are at least 3 exits that I know of to escape (although if it ever DOES catch on fire we are all fucked. With all of the fake Pauly D's walking around there is enough hair spray to blow that place up faster than I can text my ex "I miss you.")

Me dressed as a Gremlin being a Gremlin after 2am on Halloween. Fact: I texted my ex to come pick me up that night. Fact: He slept through all 15 of my texts. 

So what are the top 5 things not to text when you're drunk??

5. I miss you

If you have to be drunk to say something like this to someone you shouldn't be saying it. This is totally the pot calling the kettle a Gremlin texter. I have totally done this. What's even worse is that I've phrased it like "I don't miss you when (insert stupid song here) comes on." As if Gremlin Sarah was setting it up for Sober Sarah so in the morning she could just say "I was just telling you the truth. I really didn't miss you." Note to self: drunken Jedi mind tricks don't work... ever.

4. Wghayts Uop?

In case you were wondering, that is Gremlin for "Whats Up?" Most Gremlins send this without being sent a text first. This is an awful opening line for any conversation. No one ever cares as to what is up.  This text is loaded with subtext which people can not accurately read via text. Plus, men don't care about subtext with our texts. It is very black and white for them. 

3. A picture of yourself with a guy.

Once upon a time in a foreign land called Westchester there was a little girl named Sarah. Sarah was at the ripe age of 18 and was one of the lucky few to have a fake I.D. that made it passed the bouncers at Pure (OMG remember that club??) She like all of the other girls she was with drank Malibu Baybreezes until she turned into an evil Gremlin. Once she turned there was no turning back. She found the first hot guy she could and took picture after picture with him. The Gremlin was out for revenge that night. She texted her ex a picture of herself with another (much hotter) guy. This is a sad story for the Gremlin because not only did she look uber pathetic saying she sent it "by accident" but she looked desperate. Don't send drunken pictures to your ex. Do the smart thing and post them on facebook for the world to see ;)

2. Awakeeeeeee??????

The 500 e's are crucial to this text. With every e there is subtext. This isn't even a question. He isn't awake it's 5am... on a tuesday. Lush. Decoded this means "Wake up I want attention from you!" Problem is when you get a response the next day, there is nothing to say. How do you justify that? You don't... 

1. OMFG I arm do drubnjk rifght now!

I think with this one it was more of the response that was a trainwreck.

Gremlin Sarah: OMFG I arm do drubnjk rifght now!

8 hours later

Grandma: I think you sent this to me by mistake.

FAIL.