Unless you are the girl who is typing this, women don't want you to know how many men they have "been" with (I promise Grandma, I'm totally saving myself for the night of my big Jewish wedding!) Most women I have spoken to have told me they have lied about this with their significant others. Want to know why they lied? Because they don't want their men to know about that time they got fourloked in Miami and woke up next to Pedro. And to be fair, your man doesn't need to know about that.
Most women at any given moment will have a random unwrapped tampon in their purses. Calm down boys! I said unwrapped not used. I'd actually like to start a petition to tampax for them to make their wrappers more durable. It's a tampon wrapper not rocket science I'm sure they can handle it.
How much our shoes cost. I swear to God every time I wear my Louboutins to a family function my Dad always is convinced they are new shoes. He will look at me from head to toe and say "You look pretty. Those shoes look fancy." My response is always the same... "Thanks Dad. They are fancy. I wore these at (insert last family function here). You have seen them before." He then will follow up with "How much did they cost?" I never answer that question. It just means trouble. In preparation for the cutest baby in the world's baptism I had my shoes repaired. After waiting for the cobbler for 25 minutes to pick them up I gave up and went to work. Long story short, I ended up screaming at the man for holding my shoes hostage and being a d bag about it and then doing what I do best... Calling Daddy to fix it for me. "Dadddyyyy" I whined over the phone. "The shoe nazi is holding my shoes hostage and I won't have time to leave work to get them and I need them for tomorrow! Can you go get them?" "Sarah, why don't you wear a different pair of shoes?" He asked. "Because these are the fancy onesssss! I NEED THEM!" "How much did these fancy shoes cost?" UGH. It's not like I bought them yesterday and furthermore it's not like I bought them on his credit card! The only time men need to know how much someone's shoes cost are when they are forking over the amex to buy them.
There is subtext behind every move we make. Whether it is "checking in" to a place on facebook or asking you what you want for dinner it will never end at just that. When it comes to men, women spend all of their time thinking "OMG he just liked something on my wall?? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!" It means he likes whatever it is... not that he wants to put a ring on it. Women on the other hand... We will see you posted something, spend 20 minutes thinking of something witty to say, spend 5 minutes typing it out and erasing it over and over again and finally decide to erase it and just "like" it. There is always subtext with us. When we ask you what you want to eat for dinner it is never just as simple as that. We want to know what you like so we can psycho analyze you. Oh, he wants sushi for dinner?? Do you think that is code for what he wants to do after dinner?
It takes women an ungodly amount of time to get ready... it takes myself and my friends even more than most. Um, we are all in the beauty industry. It takes us a minimum of 2 hours to get ready. You might think I roll out of bed looking this awesome but the truth is that it is hard work getting ready for a date or a night out. I know you men think you have a grasp on what it takes but you have no idea. Half of the girls I know put on their fake hair, fake tan and fake lashes just in order to swing by your favorite bar and "run into" you. By the way... thanks for "checking in" there and confirming where I should go to stalk you.
What we do when you're not around. Well I can't speak for all women on this one but I totally have secret single behavior I indulge in. It usually involves some sort of face mask, talking to my cats about how much I love Justin Bieber, writing hate mail to Selena Gomez (Cunt), dancing around in my grannie panties listening to Taylor Swift, prank calling my best friend Michelle at work pretending to be Justin Bieber (Many thanks to http://www.justinbieberprank.com/), stalking you on facebook and doing yoga.
The last thing women don't want you to know about... We are all fucking crazy. Run for the hills!
Sarah, I am so enjoying your writing! Keep it up :)
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