stalking-- a woman's 6th sense!

So if you haven't read my post about the top 5 guys I'd boink click here and do that before reading this.

I've come to realize I am excellent at stalking. I think its something that all women have. A new mother has maternal instincts, the single girl has super stalking powers. This is the age of facebook. Stalking is available at the click of a button for people we know. Celebrities on the other hand... that is a whole new level on the stalking game.

We will take this story back to last July when a group of girlfriend's and I went to a summer house in Seaside Park, NJ. I had fully intended on going and stalking snooki writing Chapter 1 in my book. Clearly that is not what happened. We ended up taking frequent trips to the Shore Store in hopes of getting a glimpse of the cast but no such luck. We even joined quite a few stalkers in sitting outside of their house just so we could get pictures of them.

I'm not really sure why we went stalking. This show is such a train wreck I don't even watch it.


Now we can fast forward to my trip in August to visit my Mom. She lives in Minneapolis, MN. I knew if I was going to travel to such a useless city I better do it when my New York Yankees were in town! So here I am sitting in the car with my Aunt, Uncle, Mother and her Husband when we pass by a hotel with a small crowd of Yankee fans outside of it. At a red light I hopped out of the car and decided to join the crowd. A true stalker needs to be able to adapt to the environment around him/her. This was my moment to meet as many players as possible! Well I did get pictures of a few but they were all in a rush to get to Target Field so most of them didn't stop.

So yesterday when I got to work I found that there was a movie being filmed in my parking lot. I've been passed many movie sets (and even on a few) before so I took a quick picture to post to facebook and decided to go on with my day.

"They are filming a movie at work today. I hope it's starring Justin Timberlake's abs!"

So as you know, I bought a new car at the beginning of the Summer. As a result of the new car I park it in a very specific spot. I like to park somewhere between China and Siberia. It is always on the end of the aisle so that other cars can't surround it and it is so far away from the door that if Walt Disney owned the parking lot there would be a monorail taking me to the front door. It just so happened that yesterday there was a movie in my parking spot. So when I arrived back from my coffee break I went to the next available spot that was similar to mine. It was almost 3 sips into my pumpkin spice latte when a security guard knocked on my window.

Rule #1 in stalking:
 Make friends with security guards.

By the end of my latte I had found out that ALEXANDER SCARSGARD AKA HOT VIKING VAMPIRE ERIC NORTHMAN AKA NUMBER 3 ON THE LIST OF MY TOP 5 DUDES I'D BOINK was starring in the movie. I had also found out that my new best friend, Franklin the Security Guard was going to help me meet him.

Rule # 2 in stalking:
Don't give up.

On my lunch break I decided to go see if Franklin needed me to grab him something while I was out getting lunch. This resulted in chatting with Franklin right outside of my precious Viking's trailer.

Rule #3 in stalking:
Don't be afraid to make bold moves.

At the end of my day I was walking to my car when I saw my sexy man walking around set. This was my moment to meet him and get a picture that would have fellow fang bangers jealous forever! I walked right on set like I was Franklin's long lost daughter and approached Askars. He was SUPER NICE! With a body like his he could totally be a douche and I'd still want to have his vampire babies but he was actually really pleasant. I am totally awkward and had to step on my tippy toes to even be remotely tall enough to take a picture with him but whatever I GOT A PICTURE WITH HIM!

Now, if you read the same rolling stone issue I did you would know that my viking runs around the set naked. So while I was hoping I would see this...

I'll take what I can get ;-)

Why I collect gay men like baseball cards...

Women of the world listen up! I'm about to let you in on a secret women like Liza Minelli have been hiding for years. A girl's best accessory is a gay man! Yeah, I said it. Gay men are awesome. There is so much to learn from them. First of all, they can dress better than you can. I kinda wish there was a little gay midget in my closet dressing me everyday (Why a midget? Because he won't take up too much space in my walk-in closet duh!) My gay friends have always successfully helped me with shopping and dressing. Some of my best outfits come from men who wish they could wear what I can wear. You homos all know you wish you could prance around town in 5 inch loubs... 

Gay men will teach you more about sex than you will ever learn from anyone else? Why?? Because gay men are this strange hybrid. They express emotion like women do but at the same time they are still men and hump everything in a 50 mile radius on grindr. This makes for the perfect combination to get advice from. 

Gay men can dance better than anyone on this planet. I know people are going to argue with me and say things like "Beyonce is one of the greatest dancers of all time!" Well I'mma let you finish on that argument in a second but gay men are the greatest dancers of all time!! Not one of the greatest dancers, they are the greatest dancers. Bitch, where do you think Beyonce gets her dance moves from? Her queer choreographer. Case closed.

For those of you who need a little dance lesson from a man with far more rhythm than you will ever have...

Top 5 things you should not text when you're drunk

I swear my phone should have a built in Breathalyzer. I turn into a Gremlin after 2am and no one needs to hear from Gremlin Sarah. I am the queen of drunk dials and texts. Sober Sarah actually had a brilliant idea one night to take the battery out of her phone and give it to her friend so she wouldn't text her ex boyfriend... only one problem with that. Gremlin Sarah gets paranoid without her cell phone. It's kinda like Linus without his dirty blanket. The second my phone dies all sorts of thoughts flood my head like "What if a fire starts and I get trapped in the bar without a cell phone battery?" or "What if I lose my friends in this crowded place?" Let's be honest here... If I lost my friends at our local watering hole in White Plains I could easily walk around and find them. And if the Brazen Fox caught on fire there are at least 3 exits that I know of to escape (although if it ever DOES catch on fire we are all fucked. With all of the fake Pauly D's walking around there is enough hair spray to blow that place up faster than I can text my ex "I miss you.")

Me dressed as a Gremlin being a Gremlin after 2am on Halloween. Fact: I texted my ex to come pick me up that night. Fact: He slept through all 15 of my texts. 

So what are the top 5 things not to text when you're drunk??

5. I miss you

If you have to be drunk to say something like this to someone you shouldn't be saying it. This is totally the pot calling the kettle a Gremlin texter. I have totally done this. What's even worse is that I've phrased it like "I don't miss you when (insert stupid song here) comes on." As if Gremlin Sarah was setting it up for Sober Sarah so in the morning she could just say "I was just telling you the truth. I really didn't miss you." Note to self: drunken Jedi mind tricks don't work... ever.

4. Wghayts Uop?

In case you were wondering, that is Gremlin for "Whats Up?" Most Gremlins send this without being sent a text first. This is an awful opening line for any conversation. No one ever cares as to what is up.  This text is loaded with subtext which people can not accurately read via text. Plus, men don't care about subtext with our texts. It is very black and white for them. 

3. A picture of yourself with a guy.

Once upon a time in a foreign land called Westchester there was a little girl named Sarah. Sarah was at the ripe age of 18 and was one of the lucky few to have a fake I.D. that made it passed the bouncers at Pure (OMG remember that club??) She like all of the other girls she was with drank Malibu Baybreezes until she turned into an evil Gremlin. Once she turned there was no turning back. She found the first hot guy she could and took picture after picture with him. The Gremlin was out for revenge that night. She texted her ex a picture of herself with another (much hotter) guy. This is a sad story for the Gremlin because not only did she look uber pathetic saying she sent it "by accident" but she looked desperate. Don't send drunken pictures to your ex. Do the smart thing and post them on facebook for the world to see ;)

2. Awakeeeeeee??????

The 500 e's are crucial to this text. With every e there is subtext. This isn't even a question. He isn't awake it's 5am... on a tuesday. Lush. Decoded this means "Wake up I want attention from you!" Problem is when you get a response the next day, there is nothing to say. How do you justify that? You don't... 

1. OMFG I arm do drubnjk rifght now!

I think with this one it was more of the response that was a trainwreck.

Gremlin Sarah: OMFG I arm do drubnjk rifght now!

8 hours later

Grandma: I think you sent this to me by mistake.

FAIL.

Top 5 dudes I'd boink

So I've been slacking on this blogging thing. I decided enjoying my last two weeks of summer was more important than updating my blog. What have I been so busy doing? Creating a top 5 list of dudes I'd bang. Duh. I skipped town for 48 hours to go to my family's country house in The Berkshires with two of my girlfriends and while driving home us 3 dirty broads started talking about the guys we would smush smush given the chance.

                     1. Justin Timberlake

     Totally my favorite flavor of Justin. He is like a Louis Vuitton bag, he will never go out of style.

                  2. David Beckham

     I'd let him slide from 3rd to home any day. Wait! He doesn't play baseball? Well it sounds better than letting him kick it in my goal. Ouch.

                  3. Eric Northman

    I mean Eric Northman and not Alexander Skarsgard. I want him fangs and all.

                 4. Johnny Depp

   I'd take him (and all 500 personalities he has) on any day! Plus rumor has it he tastes like rum. Just what I love! Men and alcohol!

                5. Chris Brown.

    What? I know he likes it rough and I've already seen him naked thanks to the Internet. PS homeboy is packing. Seriously. Google it.